Grief Greater Than Words

Dear Rebecca,

I don't know what to say. I keep repeating that to myself. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to put into language the emotions I feel about losing you, the tidal wave of pain I feel knowing that I will never hold you, never see your eyes looking back at me, never see your first smile, never know your mind and your heart and your soul. How do I say that?

People, all very kind people, ask with soft and tender eyes how I am. I smile, weakly and in response to their kindness rather than any inner joy, and say, "I'm ok." I'm not ok. I don't want to overwhelm them with what I feel. I can't say that I'm fine, though, which I'm sure is what people want to know. I'm nowhere near fine, but you just don't say that. How do you do that to people, people with busy days, people with their own lives to worry about, even the ones who care? And then there are the people who don't even know that you were here, that you lived, and that we lost you. How do we tell them in a way that's not somehow scary, in a way that doesn't totally unnerve them with the nearness of tragedy unexpected?

I hear about others having bad days or difficult times - a lost job, a daughter with the flu, a fight with a friend, a husband out of town, a disappointment of some small kind - and I feel myself choking back tears. I hear my own voice in my head saying, "Our daughter died. Our daughter died. Our daughter died." But I can't say that. I can't just come out and say that. I swallow hard and try to focus on what is being told to me and try to offer what sympathy I can. I wait for ears that can hear my grief: your father's ears. Oh, my sweet girl, how you would have relished having your father to talk to during the troubled times of your life! He's the world's best listener.

I miss you. I miss you so much. I want you back. I want to see you. I can't believe that you're gone. I can't believe that I could love a person so much who I had known for so short a time. And there will never be enough words to say what's in my heart.

All the love that's in my heart forever,

Mom