And so we begin the two weeks of waiting. My temperature went up yesterday. It stayed up today. One more day and ovulation for this cycle is confirmed.
The Olympics is over. The wait for the score has begun.
From here on out it is obsession about every twinge, every little symptom. Am I pregnant? Am I not? The tiresome countdown to 10 days past ovulation when I will begin testing every other day. The countdown to 14 days past ovulation. Will my period arrive this time? Will it be late but still come? Will that test finally read positive? If it does, will it last? Will I get to the finish line of a full-term healthy baby?
The wait. The wait. The wait.
I want a crystal ball. I want some grizzled old lady, like the ones we saw lining the square in New Orleans when I was pregnant with Rebecca, to tell me my future. But all I have is the wait and the thermometer and the chart and the home pregnancy test.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Broccoli Project
When I was in college, I was part of an acting troupe in Austin called The Broccoli Project. I did one play with them. It was The Marriage of Bette and Boo, by Christopher Durang. It's really an amazing piece. Very dark humor, every laugh wrapped around intense pain. The play is autobiographical, dealing with Durang's childhood and his alcoholic father and his mother who lost at least two babies to stillbirth due to (I think) Rh negative blood. The play also deals with in-laws, the Catholic church, and a young man's refusal to deal with his horrific life and his retreat into the comparably more cheerful world of very dark literature.
But what struck me then and what I have always remembered were the stillbirths. The most poignant monologue to me was Bette's when she calls her old schoolmate Bonnie (who barely remembers her) in the middle of the night, just to have someone to talk to about the babies she has lost. That, and when Bette recites the names and the birthdates of her children who have died.
It's running in New York City right now. Ross remembered that I had done the play years ago and, not knowing the subject matter, asked if I would like to see it. I don't know. Yes and no.
My acupuncturist thinks that I have lost another baby. She says it's possible. My luteal phase (the second half of a woman's cycle) was unusually long this last time. I had a lot of pregnancy symptoms. She looked at my chart and immediately said, "Chemical." I told her that I had gotten no positive pregnancy tests. She said that sometimes they can be wrong.
I left my appointment to go to Whole Foods to buy very expensive organic fruits, vegetables, meat and milk. No more questionable things are going into my body. As I walked through the Time Warner Center towards the mecca of treating your body right, I got a call from my parents. They wanted to talk about my request to get a referral to an RE from one of the medical superstars my dad knows. It's not a good time to ask, apparently. He's in the middle of a major career transition and it's not a good time to impose. This is not an emergency.
Except, to me, it is. I turn 36 in three days. I've already had at least one pregnancy with a bad chromosomal outcome. Bad eggs. Maybe. I feel like every day that ticks away is bringing me closer to the day that someone in a white coat tells me that I will never have a child of my own. That my husband will never be able to have a child with me.
I said that I had to go because Whole Foods is in the basement and I would lose my cellphone signal. My dad wished me a nice evening with my "wine and fancy cheese". I said thanks. It would take too long to explain that it will be a long time before I have wine and fancy cheese again because from now on I have to eat like I'm pregnant, whether I am or not. I was on my way to buy broccoli. Broccoli which makes me wretch. Broccoli which I will choke down because I do not want to kill anymore of my babies.
It's my broccoli project.
But what struck me then and what I have always remembered were the stillbirths. The most poignant monologue to me was Bette's when she calls her old schoolmate Bonnie (who barely remembers her) in the middle of the night, just to have someone to talk to about the babies she has lost. That, and when Bette recites the names and the birthdates of her children who have died.
It's running in New York City right now. Ross remembered that I had done the play years ago and, not knowing the subject matter, asked if I would like to see it. I don't know. Yes and no.
My acupuncturist thinks that I have lost another baby. She says it's possible. My luteal phase (the second half of a woman's cycle) was unusually long this last time. I had a lot of pregnancy symptoms. She looked at my chart and immediately said, "Chemical." I told her that I had gotten no positive pregnancy tests. She said that sometimes they can be wrong.
I left my appointment to go to Whole Foods to buy very expensive organic fruits, vegetables, meat and milk. No more questionable things are going into my body. As I walked through the Time Warner Center towards the mecca of treating your body right, I got a call from my parents. They wanted to talk about my request to get a referral to an RE from one of the medical superstars my dad knows. It's not a good time to ask, apparently. He's in the middle of a major career transition and it's not a good time to impose. This is not an emergency.
Except, to me, it is. I turn 36 in three days. I've already had at least one pregnancy with a bad chromosomal outcome. Bad eggs. Maybe. I feel like every day that ticks away is bringing me closer to the day that someone in a white coat tells me that I will never have a child of my own. That my husband will never be able to have a child with me.
I said that I had to go because Whole Foods is in the basement and I would lose my cellphone signal. My dad wished me a nice evening with my "wine and fancy cheese". I said thanks. It would take too long to explain that it will be a long time before I have wine and fancy cheese again because from now on I have to eat like I'm pregnant, whether I am or not. I was on my way to buy broccoli. Broccoli which makes me wretch. Broccoli which I will choke down because I do not want to kill anymore of my babies.
It's my broccoli project.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Losing
I don't want to forget what I thought, what I said, the details of what happened. I don't want it all lost in the fog of memory. I posted this on a message board called Conscious Motherhood as it was happening...
03/19/08 at 10:54 AM
We had a bit of a scare last night and this morning. My doctor wants to see me in the office this afternoon. Worried. Please say a prayer.Thanks.
03/20/08 at 05:20 PM
It has been a harrowing last three days or so. I started spotting (brown) on Tuesday. It was impossible to get in touch with our OB as she has no answering service (!!!). We called in the morning on Wednesday and were told to come in that afternoon.
At the exam, she told us that the blood was old and probably not a big deal but would do a sonogram to make sure everything was ok. She immediately said that the pregnancy was "not a good one" and that we should expect a miscarriage. She said that the baby was two weeks behind in development and that the heartbeat, while present, was slow. She started talking about a D&C and really seemed to favor that procedure rather than letting nature take its course. She also told me to expect bleeding and cramping and that I should take Motrin or Aleve for any cramping I felt. And then she scheduled a sonogram for next week to see if there is still a heartbeat. Then she ordered a blood test to test for blood type. That was it. End of appointment.
My husband and I were devestated. We went home and cried and cried and then he called his family and mine to apprise them of the situation and ask that no one call me - that I would talk to everyone when I was ready. Then he called the doctor back and asked why a Beta test had not been done. She said that she had done one. (No results.) She said nothing about a follow-up Beta test in 48 hours which would tell us if the pregnancy is progressing or terminating.
Yesterday evening, I had a little bright red spotting, but no flow. I immediately thought the worst and sent my husband out for pads, but so far there has been nothing. I do have very mild cramping but refuse to take anything that could threaten the baby.
What she never informed us of was that the colposcopy (which as it turns out was entirely unnecessary and could have been totally avoided had she bothered to instruct me before my Pap a couple of months ago), the colposcopy will definitely cause bleeding in a pregnant woman and likely will cause cramping. And get this - I had to remind them THREE TIMES that I was pregnant!!! And she wouldn't even see me for my first prenatal until I was 10 weeks along!
She took a smear yesterday, too, and that can also cause bleeding and crampng, which could be what I'm experiencing now. Had I not bothered to do a little research when I got home yesterday, I might have assumed it was all over and started popping Aleve or Advil.
I put myself on bed rest, called out sick from the office, and cancelled my plans for the weekend.
I'm definitely done with this doctor. We'll keep our appointment for next week, but even our GP was appalled and said we should look for someone else.
I don't know if our baby is ok or not. He was really small, but we did see the heart beating. We are not counting him out yet, and are praying frantically. I've never been so scared and so upset before. I couldn't sleep at all last night, except when I was having nightmares, and kept alternating prayers of the baby being totally fine and me not ever waking up.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We still need them.
03/22/08 at 11:49 AM
Thanks so much to you all for your support and prayers. I can't tell you how much we appreciate it all.
I might be paranoid, but I'm really trying to trust my instincts. And my instincts are telling me to stay off my feet, eat healthy, drink lots of water, and totally eliminate caffeine. (I had been having 1-2 cups of tea every day.) My husband is being wonderful and doing all the cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping as well as going to work. The side effect of that for me is that I feel tremendously guilty. I can't even express the guilt I feel. I can see that it's starting to wear on him. I suggested that we call my cousin to come over and help out a little bit (I'm positive she wouldn't mind) even if it's just to make dinner one night or keep me company, but he doesn't want to and says he's fine. I find it extremely difficult to be waited on like this. I mean, one night is fine, but three days is hard to take. I tried to clean a little bit yesterday, but after ten minutes I was exhausted and starting to get scared so I quit.
My instincts are also telling me to leave this OB/GYN. Our GP suggested that we stay with her for our appointment next week and then immediately find someone else. The more I hear about what is a normal experience at a first pre-natal visit, the more I'm convinced that she does merely cursory work. I don't trust her. I don't trust her to fully inform us about anything, I don't trust her to be thorough and careful, and I don't trust her to take care of me or the baby. I really feel that I have been receiving substandard care. And my gut feeling about that office didn't start at our last appointment. It started with my first phone call to them months ago. I just dismissed my feelings because I was a new patient to the practice, and then I thought that they just had poorly trained and bad front desk staff and that it shouldn't be a reflection on the abilities of the doctor as a physician. But it just kept getting stronger and stronger. And the visit before the last one, I actually told my husband as we were leaving that I was really uncomfortable there. It's so difficult to find a doctor and to actually get an appointment in NY that I kept wanting to believe that she was fine. And she came highly recommended by colleagues of mine. But I don't think she's fine. I don't think we're in good hands.
We are definitely considering a midwife. I very much like the idea of a natural birth, and the possibility of unnecessary medical interventions really worries me and my husband. The rates of C-section in all area hospitals are around 30% - no thanks. I really like the idea of a woman working with me who sees birth as a natural physical process rather than a problem to deal with.
On the other hand, we will be looking at obstetricians as well. Our GP is sending over a list of doctors she recommends. I'm not totally opposed to an OB, as long as it is a woman who is supportive and totally thorough and who will respect our wishes in regards to the pregnancy and delivery.
I'm nervous to even say this - I guess I have a superstitious fear of jinxing things - but I believe, for right now anyway, that things are going to be ok. They may not be perfect by the time of our appointment on Wednesday, and I fully expect to hear the same lecture from our current OB again, but I don't know.... I still feel pregnant. I never would have thought anything at all was wrong had I not had a little spotting, which the doctor actually said was old blood and which I'm convinced was from either the colposcopy that she did or from us being intimate.
In the meantime, though, I'm being very protective of my little one. And I thank you again for all of your prayers and support. Please keep them coming.
03/23/08 at 06:26 PM
Thanks, Sheryl. I think you are a very wise lady.
Things seem to have taken a turn for the worse, but nothing definitive so far. I wish that either everything would clear up and we get great test results tomorrow and a great sonogram on Wednesday or that this would all be over with tonight. Limbo is killing both of us. It's hard to pull myself out of the depression, and I find myself staring into space for hours at a time, my thoughts running in circles over the same few things.
Plus, I have no idea what to do about work. I foolishly gave my notice at my current job with only a good faith offer of employment from my next employer - no written contract or offer letter - and I have not heard a word from them in over a week and no reply to my last email to the head of the firm. I feel that I should go into the office tomorrow, but I am deathly afraid of a miscarraige taking place at the office or on the subway. Not only would it be humiliating, but it would be traumatizing to me in too many ways to number. If this wasn't my last week, I would take the time off without hesitation. But since it is... And I don't know whether or not to inform my supervisors of the situation. Right now all that they know is that my husband told them I am very ill.
I hope you all are having lovely Easters. This is usually my favorite holiday.
03/26/08 at 09:46 AM
Update:
We got the test results back on Monday morning, and they were all good and within the normal range, but for some reason our doctor still did not seem positive at all. She'll do more blood tests today to determine the trend. I'm kind of ticked off that we didn't do a 48-hour beta test because we could have known the trend by the weekend and perhaps alleviated a lot of anxiety, but there you are. I really want a new doctor.
We go in for the second ultrasound this afternoon. I'm really scared to death about it.
The spotting has continued, as has the cramping. It's only been really sharp a couple of times and is usually no worse than what I've experienced throughout the pregnancy so far.
I had a long talk with a cousin of mine who is an Ob/gyn. (I never spoke with her in my life before Monday, but she called me when she heard what was going on and spoke with me for an hour - so sweet.) She told me that spotting and cramping in early pregnancy *can* signal a problem but is also fairly normal and happens to almost half of the women she sees with normal pregnancies. Placental abruption can cause the spotting (not a threatening issue) and just the irritation of having something in your uterus or the increased blood supply can irritate internal organs and cause mild cramping. She said that it's possible, even with my own certainty about my dates, that I am off. She said that she had one patient who swore up and down that she knew when she had conceived, had charted, etc, and was off by a week and a half. She said that sometimes the fertilized egg takes a while to meander down to the uterus. Sometimes it takes its time implanting. And sometimes your fertility signs can be off by a day or two. She said that the only way to know precisely when a pregnancy begins is through IVF, which is why due dates are always give or take 10 days. And then babies develop at their own rate, within certain bounds. So it is entirely possible that the pregnancy was just earlier in development than we thought, which would certainly explain the slow heart rate. She said that the critical thing is to know the trend, both in beta tests, progesterone tests, and from the ultrasound. If my HCG levels are doubling and progesterone is high enough, and the baby has grown in the last week, then things will likely be fine.
And then she talked to me for a long time about what to expect if indeed I do miscarry.
It was heartening to talk with her, both to receive some hope and to feel fully informed about everything. I wish she could be my doctor, but she lives halfway across the country.
I went back to work yesterday, and it was difficult. I found it hard to concentrate on anything at all and every little twinge worried me. I ended up leaving an hour early and went home totally exhausted. I slept for two hours and then ordered out for dinner. My apartment is a total disaster. (My sweet husband is great at taking care of me, but doesn't have a lot of housekeeping skills. His cooking is getting great, though!) I tried to clean up a little bit, but was so exhausted after carrying some dirty dishes to the kitchen, that I just lay back down again. I'm back at work today, and trying to take it easy as much as I can.
I received a call from the head of the new firm on Monday. He said that they were emailing me the signed offer letter, but I've seen nothing yet. He said that health insurance will be in place by April 1st, but that my start date might be a few days later due to issues with the office space. I'm not sure exactly how that will affect my coverage. A bit concerning, given what's going on with me, which is obviously something I would rather not reveal. And I can't seem to get a name of the insurance plan so that I can make sure that mine and my husband's doctors accept. He's having surgery in two weeks, so it's a stressor.
So that's what's going on. Basically, we're holding our breath until the appointment later today. Please say prayers.
03/26/08 at 04:14 PM
Thanks so much, Amber.
We just finished the doctor's appointment. She said that the spotting and cramping don't appear to be related to anything concerning at all. Then she did the ultrasound and said that the baby was at 6 weeks and had not grown at all. Which is wierd, because last week she said the baby was at 5 weeks. Which, to me, sounds like a growth of 1 week. But maybe I don't understand obstetrics. She also said that the heart rate was slow and irregular, but beating.
She did another beta test, and the results should be in tomorrow morning. She did not do a progesterone test, however, because she doesn't think progesterone therapy works at all and didn't see any point in doing it. Which I think is totally wierd because I know lots of pregnant women on progesterone therapy to prevent miscarriage. And my cycle is somewhat on the short side of things, so it seems within the realm of possible problems to me. Also, my cousin who is the ob/gyn thought it was strange that she didn't do a progesterone level test and said that it could tell us a lot.
I have to pummell her with questions to get any solid information whatsoever. My husband is totally put out and so am I.
Definitely want a new doctor.I'm going for another sonogram at a radiology center tomorrow morning where they are supposed to have more sensitive instruments, to check the size and get an actual heartrate.
We're so sick of being in limbo. It feels like having your heart slowly torn in two.
03/26/08 at 05:22 PM
Oh, I would have no idea what they were doing or what anything was called if I hadn't done my own internet research and talked to my cousin and my GP. This doctor tells me nothing at ALL except that I'm going to miscarry. Eventually.
FWIW, a beta test tests the level of HCG (which is the pregnancy hormone) in your blood. It's similar to a home pregnancy test, but it actually has a qualitative value. Your levels should double every 48 hours (or at least increase by 66%) for a healthy pregnancy until the first trimester ends, when the hormone levels off.
Progesterone is kind of like the flip side to estrogen. You need high levels in the second half of your cycle in order for conception and implantation to occur. Progesterone is what determines the length of the second half of your cycle. When progesterone levels fall, your period starts. A normal second half is 14 days. Abnormal (and making pregnancy difficult if not impossible) is 10 or less. Mine is usually around 12. You also need high levels of progesterone for a pregnancy to continue. Which is why some women are given progesterone supplements, because their bodies don't produce enough on their own.
I have no doubt that you had those tests done - if they drew blood, the likely checked these levels because it's pretty standard. They may just not have said anything about it because they were normal. I'm pretty sure that my doctor would not have said anything to me, even in this crisis, unless I had called and asked. She just said she was "drawing some blood". I called on Monday and said, "Why didn't you do a beta test?" When she said she had, I asked for the result. But she still didn't tell me the actual number - just that it was normal. I hate it when doctors don't feel that the patient needs to be informed. It's my body and my baby, after all.
03/27/08 at 04:31 PM
They found no heartbeat this morning. We think the baby died yesterday. We are devestated.
My family has a lot of connections in the medical community nationally, and my father has gotten a referral for me to one of the top ob's that specializes in high-risk pregnancy for a second opinion and perhaps for a minimal miscarriage workup. We very much want children, but I don't think I can go through this again. The wait-until-you've-had-three-miscarriages philosophy is not good for me, and if something can easily be treated (with hormone supplements or baby aspirin) then I want to know about it in advance. I suspect that this is my second miscarriage, although since I never took a pregnancy test last time, I have no way to prove it.
I want to correct one thing that I said that was wrong so that no one gets misinformation from me. A placental abruption *can* be very serious or it can be nothing to worry about. If it is small, it is like the edge of a scab on your elbow coming a little loose when you bend it. That can cause bleeding, but if the abruption is small it will not usually cause any problems and the placenta will likely reattach on its own. A major abruption, however, can be very serious.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. This whole experience is sending me into a different arena of fear. I don't think I will ever again worry about the fears that plagued me at the beginning of this pregnancy. I think that the only fear I will have from now on is whether or not the baby will live. I read something about losing your naivete about pregnancy once you've been through this. I know what they mean now. I can't imagine feeling the elation of seeing the positive test again. I can't imagine anything but holding my breath for nine months.
Thank you all so much for your prayers, postings, and support. It has meant the world to me.
04/06/08 at 05:25 PM
Thank you all so much. I think that it is a testament to Sheryl that so many lovely, kind, wise and supportive women show up to this board and the other to read and post. All of your words have meant so much.
I had a D&C under local anesthesia on Monday. The medication never worked, so I felt everything and I can easily say that it was the most horrific thing I have ever undergone, physically and emotionally. My husband said that he was shaken when they brought him in and he saw me because he has never seen anyone in so much pain. They sent me home with antibiotics and instructions to call if the pain did not improve or if things seemed to get worse.
On Friday morning I called because I was still experiencing sharp pain. They asked me to come back to the hospital and did another D&C under general anesthesia. It was a much better experience all around. I made it clear to them that I did not want to be aware of anything, and they obliged. I woke up in recovery and saw my husband walking toward me from across the room. There aren't words to describe how much I love this man and the relief that merely seeing him walking towards me gave me. He made sure that I had warmed blankets (five of them!) put on top of me to stop the shivering. He got me food when I was hungry. He made sure that the curtain was always drawn to protect my privacy. He even joked with me and kept my spirits up. There is not a kinder nurse alive than my husband.
And this man, who I had feared before was not entirely thrilled to be having a baby or was far too worried to enjoy us being pregnant, told me that now he knows that he wants children, wants them very much and would like for us to be pregnant again as soon as we can.
The silver lining in all of this is that I love my husband even more deeply than I did before. That "for worse" part of the vows hit us pretty hard this year, but it has only strengthened our relationship.
I start my new job tomorrow and will start working 50 hour or more weeks. I'm not sure if I'm up to it yet, but will give it a go and see what happens. My husband is scheduled for his own surgery on Thursday. My mom is flying up (thank God!) to take care of both of us from Thursday through the weekend. My parents are also treating us to a weekend in the mountains in a cabin on a lake with a fireplace and access to wine. We plan to go early next month. And we plan to do nothing but sit and stare at the fire, the lake, the mountains and each other. And breathe. And heal.
I'm still pretty sensitive about everything. I'm still having crying spells. I'm still physically uncomfortable. I expect all these things to pass eventually. I have a follow-up appointment with my new (and great) doctor in a few weeks when we will go over the test results and decide what further testing should be done. I can't wait to start again. I am so ready to make a family with my husband.
I will always love this baby, though. (We think it was a boy...) He will always be our first child. The first child we saw. The first child whose heart was beating. The first child we created together. We will always love him.
Thanks again so much for all of your support.
04/18/08 at 02:01 PM
I had my post-D&C follow-up today and left it feeling rather frustrated. I like my doctor, don't get me wrong. It's just that I was hoping she understood the urgency I feel about figuring out what happened and what measures to take to prevent it from happening again. But I got the standard, "After you have three miscarriages, we'll start trying to figure it out" line that they give everyone. I don't *want* to have to go through this three times before someone considers it serious! It's serious already! It was the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through, and I want to take whatever measures I can to reduce the risk that it will happen again. My aunt went through four miscarriages before they realized she had a problem with progesterone. On her fifth pregnancy, they gave her progesterone supplements, and my cousin Ethan was born. Something that simple...
I know someone else who had three miscarriages because of elevated NK cells. They treated her, too, and she carried to term. These women didn't HAVE TO lose their other children first. It's just that the medical community looks at stastics and treats women based on the statistics. I think it's cruel.
I know that they do it this way because the majority of women will go on to have normal pregnancies and healthy babies. But some of these tests are simple and inexpensive - blood draws and things like that - and seem like a minor inconvenience and expense in light of what a possibly preventable miscarriage causes.
I just don't get this three miscarriage policy!
To top it off, I feel fairly certain that this is my second miscarriage. I just can't prove it because I hadn't taken a pregnancy test yet last time. But no doctor will recognize it. So my chance of miscarriage might be fairly high at this point, but I can't get tests run.
I feel so frustrated. And even if a fertility test were to come back normal, and least that would be one less thing to worry about.
I asked her what I could do to reduce my risk of another miscarriage, and she told me to cut out caffeine and alcohol. Duh!
I want to scream!!
04/21/08 at 02:05 PM
Thanks, ladies. I think the problem is with this particular doctor. (Not that what she is saying isn't standard, it's just not acceptable to me.) I thought it over and decided that I will wait to see what the results are for the chromosomal testing they did on the baby first. If the results come back inconclusive, then I will go to a fertility clinic here, which is top-notch. One confirmed and one suspected miscarriage and being over 35 ought to be enough to have a basic RPL array of tests done, if not the more expensive and invasive ones. I'm not even going to ask her because I don't have the energy to fight about it. I'm just going to go straight to a RE. Hopefully my new insurance, which starts next month, will cover the tests. If not, we'll just take money out of our savings account.
I'm also going to look into alternative therapies. I really feel like my body is out of balance in several ways. I read The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. I contacted her staff and they referred me to four different practitioners here. I'm going to look into that, too, as soon as we get the results back. All of them are pretty pricey, but I might be able to get some of it covered by insurance. Whether or not anything out of balance cause my miscarriage, I think it's a good idea to get things straight and settled before trying again.
I need to have the answers. I cannot imagine going through this again.
04/21/08 at 06:00 PM
Thanks. You too, MT.
My husband and I were talking about it this weekend and the thing is... Say we wait three months like they told us to to start trying again. And then let's say that it takes two months (which is how long it took the last two times) to actually get pregnant again. And then let's say that I miscarry two and a half months into the pregnancy. That means that I'm 36 at the end of the second miscarriage and just a couple of months shy of 37 at the end of the third. BEFORE THEY WILL DO ANY TESTING. And that's if we're totally lucky and things go just as they have and we get pregnant quickly. Since everyone starts raising alarm bells at 35, it just seems ridiculous to me to wait and see. You wait and see when you're 22 (though that seems cruel to me for different reasons). But it seems patently absurd at our age. I just keep imagining finally doing the testing and having them say, well, if you had come to us sooner, we could have put you on baby aspirin, but now your eggs are too old or your FSH levels are too high and there's nothing we can do have you considered adoption. And then, believe me, I will be homicidal.
It frustrates me because you HAVE to be your own medical advocate. And yet, a lot of doctors seem annoyed if you do your own reading and research and ask lots of questions and don't take no for an answer. Which I just can't accept. This is too important. Talk about blame! I think if I miscarried again only to find out later that it could have been prevented, I will totally blame myself and REALLY blame anyone who prevented me from finding that out in time. I keep hearing about statistics and "most women" and "bad luck". But unless they *know* why my baby died then they don't *know* that it was bad luck or that I am like "most women". That is an assumption based on absolutely no personal evidence. I don't want to make assumptions when the life of my baby and my fertility is on the line. I'll take that explanation when they show me that nothing is wrong with me or that the baby had chromosomal problems. Until then, I want answers.
04/21/08 at 01:58 PM
I am so down today and I can't seem to perk myself up. I woke up feeling honest-to-God depresssed. Not just sad or worried, but bone and soul-crushing depression. I'm at work and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong, not just at work but with everyone I encounter. I feel like I'm letting everyone down and making constant stupid mistakes.
I have no energy to do anything, but I have tremendous amounts of work and responsibility. I feel like if I take any time at all to do something to cheer myself, then I am doing a wrong thing because I'm NOT doing something I'm supposed to be doing for someone else.
I was wondering if I would escape the depression over this loss. Grief I felt immediately and continuously. But depression is something different for me. It feels utterly different. So far, my body and heart have been in survival mode. I felt the grief but, oddly, no depression. I thought maybe I had escaped it. Yesterday was the first day that I felt like myself all the way until 9pm. That's in over a month. I hoped that I had turned some kind of corner and that each day would get better. And now this hits me today.
I have more demands on me and less patience for them than I have ever had. I want to do nothing more than to curl up under my comforter and cry and sleep.
I had planned to give up caffeine today, which I had gone back on right after the D&C, but at 10 am I felt like I didn't have the will to lift my arm to write a note to my boss, so I made myself a cup of tea. I'm about to go get another one. That makes me feel sad, too, because I want to be in top physical shape for the next pregnancy.
[SIGH]
04/23/08 at 08:38 AM
Thanks, everyone. The last two days were really hard. To top it off, my husband and I got into a pretty big fight last night, leaving both of us feeling pretty hurt. We made up this morning, but I cried the whole way to work and didn't get much sleep last night. Do you ever have those nights when you just pray you won't wake up in the morning?
This is just so hard.
Thanks for typing all of that out, Amber. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Thankfully, our doctor decided right away to do the chromosomal testing. She told us last week that they were able to grow a culture and that we should have the results by Friday or a week from Friday. I'm really anxious to find out. If they find nothing wrong, then I will insist on further testing, and will keep trying doctors until I find one willing to do it.
05/01/08 at 02:27 PM
We got the test results today. We had a girl. She had an extra chromosome 2, which our doctor tells us is extremely rare and almost always ends in miscarriage. I don't think that this can be inherited. That means that there is probably nothing wrong with me and no further tests are needed unless it happens again. So that's a huge relief, and I can stop worrying about having done something to kill my baby or about not being able to ever carry a baby to term.
It was a fluke. Very, very sad, but a fluke.
I cried and cried when the doctor told us that she was a girl. It made it so much more real. I love her and miss her very much and would have taken her into my arms on any terms whatsoever.
Thanks to you all for all of your thoughts and prayers.
Just a little note... This experience has led me into a world full of grief-stricken mothers of children who will never be born. Some of them suffer for years, most suffer heroically, most suffer quite deeply. My heart aches for all of them. I can't imagine going through what I've been through again and again and again, like they do. This Mother's Day, please say a prayer, light a candle, and remember them and their children in your hearts.
05/04/08 at 02:49 PM
Thanks. We decided to name her. She deserves a name. So, we've named her Rebecca Renee.
I had a dream when I was 20 that my first daughter died. In my dream, she was 10 years old and was devoted to God. She came down with pneumonia, but the doctors at the hospital refused to give her antibiotics unless she renounced God. We urged her to take the antibiotics and assured her that God would still love her and that these were cruel people we were dealing with. She refused and died from the illness. We were devestated but in awe of her love for God. In my dream, I called her Rebecca - a name I had never thought of in waking life before. I kept calling her my raven-haired Rebecca.
We were looking through a name book last night when I remembered the dream. I looked it up, and it means "bound to God". Renee means "reborn". I told my husband, and he likes the name. I know that Rebecca has been reborn in heaven and is bound to God and with Him.
03/19/08 at 10:54 AM
We had a bit of a scare last night and this morning. My doctor wants to see me in the office this afternoon. Worried. Please say a prayer.Thanks.
03/20/08 at 05:20 PM
It has been a harrowing last three days or so. I started spotting (brown) on Tuesday. It was impossible to get in touch with our OB as she has no answering service (!!!). We called in the morning on Wednesday and were told to come in that afternoon.
At the exam, she told us that the blood was old and probably not a big deal but would do a sonogram to make sure everything was ok. She immediately said that the pregnancy was "not a good one" and that we should expect a miscarriage. She said that the baby was two weeks behind in development and that the heartbeat, while present, was slow. She started talking about a D&C and really seemed to favor that procedure rather than letting nature take its course. She also told me to expect bleeding and cramping and that I should take Motrin or Aleve for any cramping I felt. And then she scheduled a sonogram for next week to see if there is still a heartbeat. Then she ordered a blood test to test for blood type. That was it. End of appointment.
My husband and I were devestated. We went home and cried and cried and then he called his family and mine to apprise them of the situation and ask that no one call me - that I would talk to everyone when I was ready. Then he called the doctor back and asked why a Beta test had not been done. She said that she had done one. (No results.) She said nothing about a follow-up Beta test in 48 hours which would tell us if the pregnancy is progressing or terminating.
Yesterday evening, I had a little bright red spotting, but no flow. I immediately thought the worst and sent my husband out for pads, but so far there has been nothing. I do have very mild cramping but refuse to take anything that could threaten the baby.
What she never informed us of was that the colposcopy (which as it turns out was entirely unnecessary and could have been totally avoided had she bothered to instruct me before my Pap a couple of months ago), the colposcopy will definitely cause bleeding in a pregnant woman and likely will cause cramping. And get this - I had to remind them THREE TIMES that I was pregnant!!! And she wouldn't even see me for my first prenatal until I was 10 weeks along!
She took a smear yesterday, too, and that can also cause bleeding and crampng, which could be what I'm experiencing now. Had I not bothered to do a little research when I got home yesterday, I might have assumed it was all over and started popping Aleve or Advil.
I put myself on bed rest, called out sick from the office, and cancelled my plans for the weekend.
I'm definitely done with this doctor. We'll keep our appointment for next week, but even our GP was appalled and said we should look for someone else.
I don't know if our baby is ok or not. He was really small, but we did see the heart beating. We are not counting him out yet, and are praying frantically. I've never been so scared and so upset before. I couldn't sleep at all last night, except when I was having nightmares, and kept alternating prayers of the baby being totally fine and me not ever waking up.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We still need them.
03/22/08 at 11:49 AM
Thanks so much to you all for your support and prayers. I can't tell you how much we appreciate it all.
I might be paranoid, but I'm really trying to trust my instincts. And my instincts are telling me to stay off my feet, eat healthy, drink lots of water, and totally eliminate caffeine. (I had been having 1-2 cups of tea every day.) My husband is being wonderful and doing all the cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping as well as going to work. The side effect of that for me is that I feel tremendously guilty. I can't even express the guilt I feel. I can see that it's starting to wear on him. I suggested that we call my cousin to come over and help out a little bit (I'm positive she wouldn't mind) even if it's just to make dinner one night or keep me company, but he doesn't want to and says he's fine. I find it extremely difficult to be waited on like this. I mean, one night is fine, but three days is hard to take. I tried to clean a little bit yesterday, but after ten minutes I was exhausted and starting to get scared so I quit.
My instincts are also telling me to leave this OB/GYN. Our GP suggested that we stay with her for our appointment next week and then immediately find someone else. The more I hear about what is a normal experience at a first pre-natal visit, the more I'm convinced that she does merely cursory work. I don't trust her. I don't trust her to fully inform us about anything, I don't trust her to be thorough and careful, and I don't trust her to take care of me or the baby. I really feel that I have been receiving substandard care. And my gut feeling about that office didn't start at our last appointment. It started with my first phone call to them months ago. I just dismissed my feelings because I was a new patient to the practice, and then I thought that they just had poorly trained and bad front desk staff and that it shouldn't be a reflection on the abilities of the doctor as a physician. But it just kept getting stronger and stronger. And the visit before the last one, I actually told my husband as we were leaving that I was really uncomfortable there. It's so difficult to find a doctor and to actually get an appointment in NY that I kept wanting to believe that she was fine. And she came highly recommended by colleagues of mine. But I don't think she's fine. I don't think we're in good hands.
We are definitely considering a midwife. I very much like the idea of a natural birth, and the possibility of unnecessary medical interventions really worries me and my husband. The rates of C-section in all area hospitals are around 30% - no thanks. I really like the idea of a woman working with me who sees birth as a natural physical process rather than a problem to deal with.
On the other hand, we will be looking at obstetricians as well. Our GP is sending over a list of doctors she recommends. I'm not totally opposed to an OB, as long as it is a woman who is supportive and totally thorough and who will respect our wishes in regards to the pregnancy and delivery.
I'm nervous to even say this - I guess I have a superstitious fear of jinxing things - but I believe, for right now anyway, that things are going to be ok. They may not be perfect by the time of our appointment on Wednesday, and I fully expect to hear the same lecture from our current OB again, but I don't know.... I still feel pregnant. I never would have thought anything at all was wrong had I not had a little spotting, which the doctor actually said was old blood and which I'm convinced was from either the colposcopy that she did or from us being intimate.
In the meantime, though, I'm being very protective of my little one. And I thank you again for all of your prayers and support. Please keep them coming.
03/23/08 at 06:26 PM
Thanks, Sheryl. I think you are a very wise lady.
Things seem to have taken a turn for the worse, but nothing definitive so far. I wish that either everything would clear up and we get great test results tomorrow and a great sonogram on Wednesday or that this would all be over with tonight. Limbo is killing both of us. It's hard to pull myself out of the depression, and I find myself staring into space for hours at a time, my thoughts running in circles over the same few things.
Plus, I have no idea what to do about work. I foolishly gave my notice at my current job with only a good faith offer of employment from my next employer - no written contract or offer letter - and I have not heard a word from them in over a week and no reply to my last email to the head of the firm. I feel that I should go into the office tomorrow, but I am deathly afraid of a miscarraige taking place at the office or on the subway. Not only would it be humiliating, but it would be traumatizing to me in too many ways to number. If this wasn't my last week, I would take the time off without hesitation. But since it is... And I don't know whether or not to inform my supervisors of the situation. Right now all that they know is that my husband told them I am very ill.
I hope you all are having lovely Easters. This is usually my favorite holiday.
03/26/08 at 09:46 AM
Update:
We got the test results back on Monday morning, and they were all good and within the normal range, but for some reason our doctor still did not seem positive at all. She'll do more blood tests today to determine the trend. I'm kind of ticked off that we didn't do a 48-hour beta test because we could have known the trend by the weekend and perhaps alleviated a lot of anxiety, but there you are. I really want a new doctor.
We go in for the second ultrasound this afternoon. I'm really scared to death about it.
The spotting has continued, as has the cramping. It's only been really sharp a couple of times and is usually no worse than what I've experienced throughout the pregnancy so far.
I had a long talk with a cousin of mine who is an Ob/gyn. (I never spoke with her in my life before Monday, but she called me when she heard what was going on and spoke with me for an hour - so sweet.) She told me that spotting and cramping in early pregnancy *can* signal a problem but is also fairly normal and happens to almost half of the women she sees with normal pregnancies. Placental abruption can cause the spotting (not a threatening issue) and just the irritation of having something in your uterus or the increased blood supply can irritate internal organs and cause mild cramping. She said that it's possible, even with my own certainty about my dates, that I am off. She said that she had one patient who swore up and down that she knew when she had conceived, had charted, etc, and was off by a week and a half. She said that sometimes the fertilized egg takes a while to meander down to the uterus. Sometimes it takes its time implanting. And sometimes your fertility signs can be off by a day or two. She said that the only way to know precisely when a pregnancy begins is through IVF, which is why due dates are always give or take 10 days. And then babies develop at their own rate, within certain bounds. So it is entirely possible that the pregnancy was just earlier in development than we thought, which would certainly explain the slow heart rate. She said that the critical thing is to know the trend, both in beta tests, progesterone tests, and from the ultrasound. If my HCG levels are doubling and progesterone is high enough, and the baby has grown in the last week, then things will likely be fine.
And then she talked to me for a long time about what to expect if indeed I do miscarry.
It was heartening to talk with her, both to receive some hope and to feel fully informed about everything. I wish she could be my doctor, but she lives halfway across the country.
I went back to work yesterday, and it was difficult. I found it hard to concentrate on anything at all and every little twinge worried me. I ended up leaving an hour early and went home totally exhausted. I slept for two hours and then ordered out for dinner. My apartment is a total disaster. (My sweet husband is great at taking care of me, but doesn't have a lot of housekeeping skills. His cooking is getting great, though!) I tried to clean up a little bit, but was so exhausted after carrying some dirty dishes to the kitchen, that I just lay back down again. I'm back at work today, and trying to take it easy as much as I can.
I received a call from the head of the new firm on Monday. He said that they were emailing me the signed offer letter, but I've seen nothing yet. He said that health insurance will be in place by April 1st, but that my start date might be a few days later due to issues with the office space. I'm not sure exactly how that will affect my coverage. A bit concerning, given what's going on with me, which is obviously something I would rather not reveal. And I can't seem to get a name of the insurance plan so that I can make sure that mine and my husband's doctors accept. He's having surgery in two weeks, so it's a stressor.
So that's what's going on. Basically, we're holding our breath until the appointment later today. Please say prayers.
03/26/08 at 04:14 PM
Thanks so much, Amber.
We just finished the doctor's appointment. She said that the spotting and cramping don't appear to be related to anything concerning at all. Then she did the ultrasound and said that the baby was at 6 weeks and had not grown at all. Which is wierd, because last week she said the baby was at 5 weeks. Which, to me, sounds like a growth of 1 week. But maybe I don't understand obstetrics. She also said that the heart rate was slow and irregular, but beating.
She did another beta test, and the results should be in tomorrow morning. She did not do a progesterone test, however, because she doesn't think progesterone therapy works at all and didn't see any point in doing it. Which I think is totally wierd because I know lots of pregnant women on progesterone therapy to prevent miscarriage. And my cycle is somewhat on the short side of things, so it seems within the realm of possible problems to me. Also, my cousin who is the ob/gyn thought it was strange that she didn't do a progesterone level test and said that it could tell us a lot.
I have to pummell her with questions to get any solid information whatsoever. My husband is totally put out and so am I.
Definitely want a new doctor.I'm going for another sonogram at a radiology center tomorrow morning where they are supposed to have more sensitive instruments, to check the size and get an actual heartrate.
We're so sick of being in limbo. It feels like having your heart slowly torn in two.
03/26/08 at 05:22 PM
Oh, I would have no idea what they were doing or what anything was called if I hadn't done my own internet research and talked to my cousin and my GP. This doctor tells me nothing at ALL except that I'm going to miscarry. Eventually.
FWIW, a beta test tests the level of HCG (which is the pregnancy hormone) in your blood. It's similar to a home pregnancy test, but it actually has a qualitative value. Your levels should double every 48 hours (or at least increase by 66%) for a healthy pregnancy until the first trimester ends, when the hormone levels off.
Progesterone is kind of like the flip side to estrogen. You need high levels in the second half of your cycle in order for conception and implantation to occur. Progesterone is what determines the length of the second half of your cycle. When progesterone levels fall, your period starts. A normal second half is 14 days. Abnormal (and making pregnancy difficult if not impossible) is 10 or less. Mine is usually around 12. You also need high levels of progesterone for a pregnancy to continue. Which is why some women are given progesterone supplements, because their bodies don't produce enough on their own.
I have no doubt that you had those tests done - if they drew blood, the likely checked these levels because it's pretty standard. They may just not have said anything about it because they were normal. I'm pretty sure that my doctor would not have said anything to me, even in this crisis, unless I had called and asked. She just said she was "drawing some blood". I called on Monday and said, "Why didn't you do a beta test?" When she said she had, I asked for the result. But she still didn't tell me the actual number - just that it was normal. I hate it when doctors don't feel that the patient needs to be informed. It's my body and my baby, after all.
03/27/08 at 04:31 PM
They found no heartbeat this morning. We think the baby died yesterday. We are devestated.
My family has a lot of connections in the medical community nationally, and my father has gotten a referral for me to one of the top ob's that specializes in high-risk pregnancy for a second opinion and perhaps for a minimal miscarriage workup. We very much want children, but I don't think I can go through this again. The wait-until-you've-had-three-miscarriages philosophy is not good for me, and if something can easily be treated (with hormone supplements or baby aspirin) then I want to know about it in advance. I suspect that this is my second miscarriage, although since I never took a pregnancy test last time, I have no way to prove it.
I want to correct one thing that I said that was wrong so that no one gets misinformation from me. A placental abruption *can* be very serious or it can be nothing to worry about. If it is small, it is like the edge of a scab on your elbow coming a little loose when you bend it. That can cause bleeding, but if the abruption is small it will not usually cause any problems and the placenta will likely reattach on its own. A major abruption, however, can be very serious.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. This whole experience is sending me into a different arena of fear. I don't think I will ever again worry about the fears that plagued me at the beginning of this pregnancy. I think that the only fear I will have from now on is whether or not the baby will live. I read something about losing your naivete about pregnancy once you've been through this. I know what they mean now. I can't imagine feeling the elation of seeing the positive test again. I can't imagine anything but holding my breath for nine months.
Thank you all so much for your prayers, postings, and support. It has meant the world to me.
04/06/08 at 05:25 PM
Thank you all so much. I think that it is a testament to Sheryl that so many lovely, kind, wise and supportive women show up to this board and the other to read and post. All of your words have meant so much.
I had a D&C under local anesthesia on Monday. The medication never worked, so I felt everything and I can easily say that it was the most horrific thing I have ever undergone, physically and emotionally. My husband said that he was shaken when they brought him in and he saw me because he has never seen anyone in so much pain. They sent me home with antibiotics and instructions to call if the pain did not improve or if things seemed to get worse.
On Friday morning I called because I was still experiencing sharp pain. They asked me to come back to the hospital and did another D&C under general anesthesia. It was a much better experience all around. I made it clear to them that I did not want to be aware of anything, and they obliged. I woke up in recovery and saw my husband walking toward me from across the room. There aren't words to describe how much I love this man and the relief that merely seeing him walking towards me gave me. He made sure that I had warmed blankets (five of them!) put on top of me to stop the shivering. He got me food when I was hungry. He made sure that the curtain was always drawn to protect my privacy. He even joked with me and kept my spirits up. There is not a kinder nurse alive than my husband.
And this man, who I had feared before was not entirely thrilled to be having a baby or was far too worried to enjoy us being pregnant, told me that now he knows that he wants children, wants them very much and would like for us to be pregnant again as soon as we can.
The silver lining in all of this is that I love my husband even more deeply than I did before. That "for worse" part of the vows hit us pretty hard this year, but it has only strengthened our relationship.
I start my new job tomorrow and will start working 50 hour or more weeks. I'm not sure if I'm up to it yet, but will give it a go and see what happens. My husband is scheduled for his own surgery on Thursday. My mom is flying up (thank God!) to take care of both of us from Thursday through the weekend. My parents are also treating us to a weekend in the mountains in a cabin on a lake with a fireplace and access to wine. We plan to go early next month. And we plan to do nothing but sit and stare at the fire, the lake, the mountains and each other. And breathe. And heal.
I'm still pretty sensitive about everything. I'm still having crying spells. I'm still physically uncomfortable. I expect all these things to pass eventually. I have a follow-up appointment with my new (and great) doctor in a few weeks when we will go over the test results and decide what further testing should be done. I can't wait to start again. I am so ready to make a family with my husband.
I will always love this baby, though. (We think it was a boy...) He will always be our first child. The first child we saw. The first child whose heart was beating. The first child we created together. We will always love him.
Thanks again so much for all of your support.
04/18/08 at 02:01 PM
I had my post-D&C follow-up today and left it feeling rather frustrated. I like my doctor, don't get me wrong. It's just that I was hoping she understood the urgency I feel about figuring out what happened and what measures to take to prevent it from happening again. But I got the standard, "After you have three miscarriages, we'll start trying to figure it out" line that they give everyone. I don't *want* to have to go through this three times before someone considers it serious! It's serious already! It was the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through, and I want to take whatever measures I can to reduce the risk that it will happen again. My aunt went through four miscarriages before they realized she had a problem with progesterone. On her fifth pregnancy, they gave her progesterone supplements, and my cousin Ethan was born. Something that simple...
I know someone else who had three miscarriages because of elevated NK cells. They treated her, too, and she carried to term. These women didn't HAVE TO lose their other children first. It's just that the medical community looks at stastics and treats women based on the statistics. I think it's cruel.
I know that they do it this way because the majority of women will go on to have normal pregnancies and healthy babies. But some of these tests are simple and inexpensive - blood draws and things like that - and seem like a minor inconvenience and expense in light of what a possibly preventable miscarriage causes.
I just don't get this three miscarriage policy!
To top it off, I feel fairly certain that this is my second miscarriage. I just can't prove it because I hadn't taken a pregnancy test yet last time. But no doctor will recognize it. So my chance of miscarriage might be fairly high at this point, but I can't get tests run.
I feel so frustrated. And even if a fertility test were to come back normal, and least that would be one less thing to worry about.
I asked her what I could do to reduce my risk of another miscarriage, and she told me to cut out caffeine and alcohol. Duh!
I want to scream!!
04/21/08 at 02:05 PM
Thanks, ladies. I think the problem is with this particular doctor. (Not that what she is saying isn't standard, it's just not acceptable to me.) I thought it over and decided that I will wait to see what the results are for the chromosomal testing they did on the baby first. If the results come back inconclusive, then I will go to a fertility clinic here, which is top-notch. One confirmed and one suspected miscarriage and being over 35 ought to be enough to have a basic RPL array of tests done, if not the more expensive and invasive ones. I'm not even going to ask her because I don't have the energy to fight about it. I'm just going to go straight to a RE. Hopefully my new insurance, which starts next month, will cover the tests. If not, we'll just take money out of our savings account.
I'm also going to look into alternative therapies. I really feel like my body is out of balance in several ways. I read The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. I contacted her staff and they referred me to four different practitioners here. I'm going to look into that, too, as soon as we get the results back. All of them are pretty pricey, but I might be able to get some of it covered by insurance. Whether or not anything out of balance cause my miscarriage, I think it's a good idea to get things straight and settled before trying again.
I need to have the answers. I cannot imagine going through this again.
04/21/08 at 06:00 PM
Thanks. You too, MT.
My husband and I were talking about it this weekend and the thing is... Say we wait three months like they told us to to start trying again. And then let's say that it takes two months (which is how long it took the last two times) to actually get pregnant again. And then let's say that I miscarry two and a half months into the pregnancy. That means that I'm 36 at the end of the second miscarriage and just a couple of months shy of 37 at the end of the third. BEFORE THEY WILL DO ANY TESTING. And that's if we're totally lucky and things go just as they have and we get pregnant quickly. Since everyone starts raising alarm bells at 35, it just seems ridiculous to me to wait and see. You wait and see when you're 22 (though that seems cruel to me for different reasons). But it seems patently absurd at our age. I just keep imagining finally doing the testing and having them say, well, if you had come to us sooner, we could have put you on baby aspirin, but now your eggs are too old or your FSH levels are too high and there's nothing we can do have you considered adoption. And then, believe me, I will be homicidal.
It frustrates me because you HAVE to be your own medical advocate. And yet, a lot of doctors seem annoyed if you do your own reading and research and ask lots of questions and don't take no for an answer. Which I just can't accept. This is too important. Talk about blame! I think if I miscarried again only to find out later that it could have been prevented, I will totally blame myself and REALLY blame anyone who prevented me from finding that out in time. I keep hearing about statistics and "most women" and "bad luck". But unless they *know* why my baby died then they don't *know* that it was bad luck or that I am like "most women". That is an assumption based on absolutely no personal evidence. I don't want to make assumptions when the life of my baby and my fertility is on the line. I'll take that explanation when they show me that nothing is wrong with me or that the baby had chromosomal problems. Until then, I want answers.
04/21/08 at 01:58 PM
I am so down today and I can't seem to perk myself up. I woke up feeling honest-to-God depresssed. Not just sad or worried, but bone and soul-crushing depression. I'm at work and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong, not just at work but with everyone I encounter. I feel like I'm letting everyone down and making constant stupid mistakes.
I have no energy to do anything, but I have tremendous amounts of work and responsibility. I feel like if I take any time at all to do something to cheer myself, then I am doing a wrong thing because I'm NOT doing something I'm supposed to be doing for someone else.
I was wondering if I would escape the depression over this loss. Grief I felt immediately and continuously. But depression is something different for me. It feels utterly different. So far, my body and heart have been in survival mode. I felt the grief but, oddly, no depression. I thought maybe I had escaped it. Yesterday was the first day that I felt like myself all the way until 9pm. That's in over a month. I hoped that I had turned some kind of corner and that each day would get better. And now this hits me today.
I have more demands on me and less patience for them than I have ever had. I want to do nothing more than to curl up under my comforter and cry and sleep.
I had planned to give up caffeine today, which I had gone back on right after the D&C, but at 10 am I felt like I didn't have the will to lift my arm to write a note to my boss, so I made myself a cup of tea. I'm about to go get another one. That makes me feel sad, too, because I want to be in top physical shape for the next pregnancy.
[SIGH]
04/23/08 at 08:38 AM
Thanks, everyone. The last two days were really hard. To top it off, my husband and I got into a pretty big fight last night, leaving both of us feeling pretty hurt. We made up this morning, but I cried the whole way to work and didn't get much sleep last night. Do you ever have those nights when you just pray you won't wake up in the morning?
This is just so hard.
Thanks for typing all of that out, Amber. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Thankfully, our doctor decided right away to do the chromosomal testing. She told us last week that they were able to grow a culture and that we should have the results by Friday or a week from Friday. I'm really anxious to find out. If they find nothing wrong, then I will insist on further testing, and will keep trying doctors until I find one willing to do it.
05/01/08 at 02:27 PM
We got the test results today. We had a girl. She had an extra chromosome 2, which our doctor tells us is extremely rare and almost always ends in miscarriage. I don't think that this can be inherited. That means that there is probably nothing wrong with me and no further tests are needed unless it happens again. So that's a huge relief, and I can stop worrying about having done something to kill my baby or about not being able to ever carry a baby to term.
It was a fluke. Very, very sad, but a fluke.
I cried and cried when the doctor told us that she was a girl. It made it so much more real. I love her and miss her very much and would have taken her into my arms on any terms whatsoever.
Thanks to you all for all of your thoughts and prayers.
Just a little note... This experience has led me into a world full of grief-stricken mothers of children who will never be born. Some of them suffer for years, most suffer heroically, most suffer quite deeply. My heart aches for all of them. I can't imagine going through what I've been through again and again and again, like they do. This Mother's Day, please say a prayer, light a candle, and remember them and their children in your hearts.
05/04/08 at 02:49 PM
Thanks. We decided to name her. She deserves a name. So, we've named her Rebecca Renee.
I had a dream when I was 20 that my first daughter died. In my dream, she was 10 years old and was devoted to God. She came down with pneumonia, but the doctors at the hospital refused to give her antibiotics unless she renounced God. We urged her to take the antibiotics and assured her that God would still love her and that these were cruel people we were dealing with. She refused and died from the illness. We were devestated but in awe of her love for God. In my dream, I called her Rebecca - a name I had never thought of in waking life before. I kept calling her my raven-haired Rebecca.
We were looking through a name book last night when I remembered the dream. I looked it up, and it means "bound to God". Renee means "reborn". I told my husband, and he likes the name. I know that Rebecca has been reborn in heaven and is bound to God and with Him.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wearing Black
I am not pregnant. Again.
My hopes were so high this time. A birthday present for me. A new life. A new song. Another chance.
Here I am wearing black. Again. Just in case, my mom advised me when I was 13. Those five days of wearing black every month. Black pants, black skirts, black dresses. You look so pretty in black, so elegant, so New York.
You New Yorkers always wear black. What, are you in mourning?
Yes. I am. Every time my period comes again I mourn the girl that died, and the death of the hope of the new children that aren't coming.
I want at least nine months of wearing white.
My hopes were so high this time. A birthday present for me. A new life. A new song. Another chance.
Here I am wearing black. Again. Just in case, my mom advised me when I was 13. Those five days of wearing black every month. Black pants, black skirts, black dresses. You look so pretty in black, so elegant, so New York.
You New Yorkers always wear black. What, are you in mourning?
Yes. I am. Every time my period comes again I mourn the girl that died, and the death of the hope of the new children that aren't coming.
I want at least nine months of wearing white.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
