Brain Flu

I've been depressed since Rebecca died. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, miss her, dream about her... The grief has been hard at times, but easily recognizable to me as grief. I'm sure that there is some PPD going on, too. My hormones levels have never been particularly balanced, I don't think, since I get PMS regularly and pretty painful periods. And I've been prone to depression as long as I can remember, having my first major episode when I was 21.

But for the past five and a half days, it has been extreme. I have no idea, really, what triggered it. Like I said, I've had grief and depression at varying levels since my miscarriage in early April. But the intensification to this level is really out of the blue. I spend much of each hour struggling to get through work and my other responsibilites and reminding myself to breathe in and out. It seems both independent of and connected to the loss of our child. It is horribly painful. I actually feel pain in my body as well as in my heart and soul.

I heard it described by another depression sufferer as "brain flu". That's what this feels like. It's like some wierd illness that has invaded my body for which there is no cure, only more and less effective means of treating the symptoms. I kjust keep hanging on, knowing that it will end too, just like the flu ends.

I just wish it hadn't already lasted three months. And there's no way anyone can tell me when it will end. And, of course, no drugs for me since we're trying again.

I feel terrible for complaining to Ross about it. I don't know why this has to be such a struggle. I don't know why I can't snap out of it. But I can't.

Anyway, I start accupuncture soon and have high hopes for it. I'll keep you posted...